Now on YouTube! 60-Second Radio:"Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline"

This spot for (the now defunct) Smartship.com was the London International Advertising Award recipient and is still available on the Adforum's CD of winners. It's also one of my personal favorites. I'm not sure why. Could it be Stewart Sloke's wonderful performance as the beat-himself-up guy?

Regardless, here's THE SCRIPT.

SFX: Telephone pick-up.

FEMALE HOTLINE WORKER: Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline.

FUNNY GUY: Is this the Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline?

HOTLINE WORKER: Yes, sir, if you'd like to beat yourself up, this is the place to do it.

FUNNY GUY: Okay, I'd like to beat myself up now, please.

HOTLINE WORKER: Go right ahead when you're comfortable.

FUNNY GUY (clears throat and proceeds to beat himself up:) I am so stupid! I can't believe how stupid I am! What an idiot! I left all of my holiday shipping until the last minute again! Now it's a huge hassle! Why do I have to do this to myself every year? When, oh when, will I learn?

HOTLINE WORKER (impressed:) You beat yourself up very well, sir.

FUNNY GUY: Thanks.

HOTLINE WORKER: But maybe you should just log onto Smartship.com.

FUNNY GUY: Smartship.com?

HOTLINE WORKER: Right. Type in your zipcode, and Smartship.com tells you the fastest, easiest, most affordable way to do your holiday shipping -- even at the last minute.

FUNNY GUY: Wow. Smartship.com.

HOTLINE WORKER. Mmm-hmmm.

FUNNY GUY (proceeds to beat himself up again:) Why didn't I think of that? Why do I have to have somebody else tell me what to do?

HOTLINE WORKER: Sir, I...

FUNNY GUY (builds to a crescendo:) When, oh when, will I learn? When will I ever have an original thought???

(beat)

HOTLINE WORKER: You're really good at this, sir.

FUNNY GUY (humbly:) I've been told it's a gift.

ANNOUNCER: Smartship.com. The way smart shipping is done.

© Writer: Walt Jaschek / Producer: Paul Fey

MORE SPOTS

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Robert Goulet :60 Radio | The Simpsons

The Ballad of Judge Wapner :60 Radio | People's Court

Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline :60 Radio | Smartship.com

Viva La Volvo :60 Radio | Southern California Volvo Dealers

Millions of Americans :60 Radio | American Optometric Association

Star In Your Own Radio Commercial :60 Radio | Budweiser

Missing Persons :60 Radio | Matlock

I'm Shaving My Head :30 Radio | Star Trek: the Next Generation.

Read the scripts, listen to the spots, send money.

Just kidding. You don't have to send money.