My most famous I-won't-write-about-meat story.

The date: a few years ago. The location: my home office.

SFX: PHONE RING; PICK-UP

ME: Walt speaking.

CAROLE, THE CREATIVE DIRECTOR OF A LARGE AD AGENCY: Walt? Carole!

ME: Hi, Carole, what's shaking?

CAROLE: I'll cut right to the chase. We need some funny commercials for Loafer's* Frozen Meat-Loaf Dinners, and we want you to write them. Need scripts by Monday, though. Name your price.

ME: Oh, gosh, Carole, I thought we discussed this. I'm a vegetarian, you see, and I don't promote meat products.

CAROLE: Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, the spots should focus on a new kind of meat-loaf dinner that tastes...

ME: Wait, Carole, I'm serious. Meat; weapons; political candidates: the only three product-types I won't write about for good ol' fashioned American money.

[PAUSE]

CAROLE: You're shitting me.

ME: Un-unh. Listen, I'll write about other stuff that's really bad for you. Carbonated soft-drinks? No problem. TV shows? I used to promote those like crazy, and they're worse for you than anything.

CAROLE: But not meat.

ME: No.

CAROLE: You are blowing my mind.

ME (laughing): Sorry. I can recommend a couple of other good -- and carnivorous! -- writers to help you out, though, like...

CAROLE: Walt, listen. Think about this:

ME: Yes?

CAROLE: If it makes any difference...

ME: Yes?

[PAUSE]

CAROLE: There's probably not that much meat in 'em anyway!

MUTED TROMBONES: WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH...

*Client name changed to protect the litigious.

P.S. I still didn't take the assignment, but told Carole she may have inadvertently invented the campaign theme-line: "Loafer's Frozen Meat-Loaf Dinners™. Probably not that much meat in them anyway."

P.P.S. I have since, on one other occasion, helped some friends out by participating in a product-naming brainstorm for sliced turkey. But -- and this may be a weasily rationalization on my part -- it was for free. No money changed hands, at least from them to me. Does this mean my self-imposed, "rigid" standards are actually relative and meandering? Would I, say, participate in a product-naming brainstorm for a NUCLEAR MISSLE if it "weren't for money"?

I dunno. It hasn't come up.

Comments

[b]

I am so distressed to read this. I was going to ask you to work on sales of my meatball slingshot to help raise money for Kerry's next run.

[Walt Jaschek]

Hey, "b," I don't know what a meatball slingshot is, but if it's at all like I'm picturing, wouldn't TOFU be just as good, if not better? Think of it: A TOFU SLINGSHOT! Who wouldn't want to sling tofu?

On a completely unrelated subject, do you think the touristy website www.gotahoe.com is really not-so-secret code for got-a-hoe.com? Get it? "Got a hoe?"

These are the kinds of things I wonder about.

[b]

probably the prettiest and sexiest woman I've ever seen (so far) was working in Tahoe